Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Him & Her



Smooth curvy lines -
bottle green eyes:
her approach hesitant.

His smooth approach
Bottle in hand
Words, bind and capture.

Their chemistry sizzles
- the spell breaks:
Smoothness in shambles!


#############################
In response to the prompt from 3WW
The last three lines edited were
Their chemistry sizzles:
Approach with care -
Bottles break,no more smooth.
*****
got edited to the ones above after
recieving Gautami's comments.
I like the change better too.
#############################

20 comments:

gautami tripathy said...

I like the first two stanza..

I think, the last lines needs a bit of re-working.

Norma said...

Terrific use of the prompt! Great job. It swirls!

http://collectingmythoughts.blogspot.com/2008/01/three-word-wednesday-each-week-bone.html

Rose Dewy Knickers said...

I liked them both, but the edited version pops.

Rose

xo

watermaid said...

A very clever use of the prompt. I think the edited version is better as you then use all three words in every stanza.

keith hillman said...

I really don't know how you poets do it! Another gem.

paisley said...

so then,,, thats when they did it???? this was lovely... very expressive.....

The Mama Bear said...

Superb....I must be seeing the edited version because I find the last stanza the seal that binds it all together. Great use of the words.

pjd said...

"bottle green eyes" is an interesting image when you really start to think about it. As a color it could be beautiful for eyes. "bottle" brings up other connotations, though, such as really thick glasses.

Marcia (MeeAugraphie) said...

Isn't this the way it is oft times? Really like the way you told it, UL.

pia said...

I loved how it flowed--smoothness in shambles is wonderful

Square1 said...

I love the yin-yang approach of incorporating the three words in for both him and her. Nicely worked.

tumblewords said...

Ah, very nice - I, too, like the edited version...nice use of the prompt words!

Sherry said...

Excellent -- I am loving "bottle green eyes" --

mariacristina said...

I like the image of bottle-green eyes too.

I have the impression that the smoothness was shattered because they threw themselves at each other. Am I understanding correctly?

UL said...

yes Christine, you got that right.

LittleWing said...

oh, such is life...a beautiful poem captures the moment... really like the pix too... it gives strength to the words portrayed...you used the words well...**smiling**

Michelle Johnson said...

Smooth curvy lines -
bottle green eyes:
her approach hesitant.


i love these first lines. they set the rest of the poem in motion. thanks for sharing. have a nice night.

Richard said...

those guys with bottles never finish the dance...

TC said...

Ooooh! Nice!

:)

noahthegreat said...

Spellbound by your words.