Saturday, December 7, 2013

Rest In Peace, Dear Friend



tears of loss -
streak down my cheeks
hurt in my heart-
show no sign of stopping;
questions arise;
i know the answers 
if onlys and what ifs;
guilty, i plead.

i seek forgiveness
yours, just yours;
ah but its too late-
you are long gone
a decade has vanished
eleven to be precise;
and i had no inkling 
of your passing-

in my rush to live, 
i betrayed our friendship-
in my need to escape;
know not where-
i sacrificed, your needs-
if onlys and what ifs;
guilty, i plead.

i seek forgiveness
yours, only yours;
and to my defense
i should tell you-
i thought of you often
i wished you happiness
i assumed, i hoped
you settled on a farm
with a husband you yearned
and forever love, you deserved-
with babies in tow;
and a family to grow- 
i believed you were joyous.
 

 
i saw you tending,
those animals you loved-
i heard you talking,
non stop; about
your passion, your dream-
to own a ranch, your second love.
if onlys and what ifs;
guilty, i plead.
 
i seek forgiveness
yours, nothing but yours-
today i think of you
i know, your dreams are fulfilled
not in this life perhaps;
but definitely in another -
i see you now-
riding into the distance
with the wind in your hair 
and a smile in the air
those dimples stand out-
your eye twinkles, watch out;
you have found your happy place
i feel you at peace.
 
now I know i am forgiven
as you rest, dear friend.
i thank you for your understanding.
you were always the best.


--------

I have never written a eulogy before. But today's news was shocking enough to make me write one. It is long overdue, well overdue by a decade. This is for a dear friend whom I parted ways with over a decade ago. We had some really good times. Her tale was dark. Some of you might remember her. Earlier today a mutual friend who made the effort to track her down, emailed me to let me know that she had passed away in 2002. About two years after we bid goodbye. Technology wasn't as it is today. She didn't have an email address that she accessed every day, I remember writing to her but there was no reply. Snail mail was the only solution and even that never worked. Excuses, all excuses. My fault, if only I had put in some more effort. By the time I came to realize my mistake, she had moved on. She had her own personal battles to fight. She was done waiting for friends to lend a listening ear. I don't blame her. The scars were deep, too deep that she lost the battle. Now I know, but it is too late. My biggest regret is that I should have made the effort to stay in touch. Maybe I could have been there to listen when she faced her devils, maybe it wouldn't have come to this- alcohol poisoning I was told. And I wasn't aware. For almost a decade I lived on an assumption. That she was safe, happy and settled. That she had won her battles. I didn't want to believe otherwise, or I would have been consumed by guilt.  And now, I am. I can't stop the tears from flowing. She was a beautiful soul. Inside and out. What happened to her was unimaginable. Not fair. Yet she tried to live positive. Her love of animals, dedication to them often amazed me. She lived for them. She had dreams. She dreamt of a beautiful future away from darkness and filled with light. She gave from her heart, hoping that someday it will bounce back to her. And I believe it will, in another lifetime for sure. I am sure happiness has already knocked on her door since and I bid her goodbye on that note, one last time. I pray that her soul rests in peace. Will miss you, my friend. I hope we will meet and our paths will cross once again, someday. 


Here is her tale (To Terry, With Love)  that I narrated back in 2007, not knowing she had already passed five years before that. Rest in Peace, dear Terry. Rest in Peace.


*******************
For Sunday Scribblings
What is my phobia? Esp. after the above incident, my fear is that I might leave things too late and have regrets later. But I have also learnt from this experience. We have but one life, live it to the full, live in the moment, leave no room for regrets, find peace now - with the world, with our lives, with our relationships and then there is no chance of fear. Embrace the peace that comes with living the moment and then there would be no room for phobia. I intend to practice this, to the best of my ability, best of my knowledge.  How about you?

6 comments:

Jae Rose said...

I think that is a phobia we can all relate to...i like that she was happy..

totomai said...

that's a very sincere post. i'm loss for words. it may be a long time but condolence....

oldegg said...

There are always regrets. Some we can live with others we must make amends. Your beautiful eulogy clearly shows the hurt you feel at losing someone when there are still words to say. Let's hope they will carried by the wind and heard by the shadows.

Zafaran said...

A very heartfelt post. Peace to you.

Berowne said...

Wistful and quite somber; well done.

UL said...

Thank you all for your kind words