Monday, December 10, 2007

High Cleaning!



Floors seemed to sparkle, glow and then smile
Glimmers shimmered from across the mile
Soft as silk and sensual in rousing
Smooth to the touch, bare feet caressing
Wow, cleaning doth unravel jewels under the pile!


Brings forth to mind my mother’s lengthy advice
Teen years found them annoying, not so wise!
Clean floors doth bring a home alive
Dust and dirt makes for lost spirits hive
And souls within then live for a worthless price.


Sound of high heels, stilettos, my thoughts shatter
Who could it be I wonder, striding clitter clatter
Turned around and oh what surprise!
Three feet of joy on my four-inch highs
My two-year old who should be walking pitter-patter!


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A first attempt at limerick for the prompt from Mad Kane, the subject being 'annoying advice'. I also decided to combine this with the last two prompts from Read-Write poems. The first prompt suggested picking three random favorites and possibly combining them into a poem. My random favorites ended up to be ‘cleaning, mother and shoes’! The second prompt is with regards to attempting a form I have never attempted with using different line lengths from what I usually use and it also suggested that I could use the word from the random generator at Read write poem, which in my case was 'rousing'.

My lines are usually very short, this is the longest I have attempted, but I don’t think they're long enough or meet the requirement stated in the prompt. But wanted to post it anyway to receive inputs on further improvement. I am pretty new to writing formal poetry, for the same reason I have never really looked at the various forms of poetry and how they're written. Up until recently, I just enjoyed reading all kinds of poetry that I came across and my own poems were noted down informally...I must admit I find it easier to write rhyming poetry. But recently I have been attempting quite a few poetry prompts and in the process discovering the vast number of poetry forms out there. So consider this an amateur attempt, and leave me your comments and criticisms on how best I can improve. Thank you all for stopping by.

14 comments:

paisley said...

i recognized the addition of the prompt from mad kane right away,,, very clever all the way around....

Mad Kane said...

I'm so pleased that I'm inspiring poets to try limericks for the first time.

You've asked for comments, so let's start with the rhyme scheme: You generally have the AABBA rhymes right. with two exceptions: Caressing and rousing don't rhyme. That's because it's not enough to end both words with ing, an unstressed syllable. If the last syllable of a line isn't stressed, then you have to make sure the stressed next to last syllable also rhymes. For instance caressing rhymes with undressing, and rousing would rhyme with housing.

The other rhyme error is in the A rhyme of the second limerick. Wise, which has a hard s (z sound) doesn't rhyme with advice and price.

As for meter, you were concerned that your lines were too short, but in general they're too long. They're also missing (in general) the triple feel of a limerick; xXxxXxxXx etc.

To give you a feel for the meter, here's a quick and dirty rewrite of the first of your three limericks. (As you can see, I mostly cut out syllables to get that xXxxXxxXx triple feel):

Floors sparkle and glow and then smile.
Glimmers shimmer for over a mile.
Soft as silk, lightly pressing,
They touch, toes caressing.
Spring cleaning finds jew'ls in the pile.

(Note that I wrote jew'ls, to make sure for meter's sake that it's pronounced as a one syllable word. Some people would trust the reader to do that, but I tend to try to make sure with apostrophes.)

I hope this helps!
Mad Kane

Mad Kane said...

I forgot to mention that this page lists some good resources on writing limericks:
Limerick Resources

Jo said...

I love the teetering on heels, a great image (seen that so many times with my first!).

UL said...

Thank you so much for the comments, Paisley and Madeline...

Mad Kane, thanks a lot for taking the time to read and comment and to let me know how best to improve, I am gonna work at this as limericks is one of my all time favs and I am sure your prompts are gonna help for sure. Thank you. I am surely going to check out the links you send across, thanks again.

Mariacristina said...

A nice poem that crosses generations. Very sweet image of a tiny girl in heels!

Patois said...

I'm seconding Maria Cristina's comment: I loved the image of your daughter in your heels.

SweetTalkingGuy said...

I just liked it as a poem, I can't get to grips with Limericks (yet!)
Liked the AA A rhyme, shatter, clitter clatter, pitter-pater!

lissa said...

Very enjoyable limerick!

Sian said...

"three feet of joy" is one of the most beautiful descriptions of a child that I have ever read. Very well done! :)

gautami tripathy said...

AS Made Kane explained, these are not limericks in the strict sense. The last line, that is the fifth one has to turn the whole thought!

However, I like the way you tackled the prompt.

http://birdswordpoetry.wordpress.com/ said...

I loved the visual of the 2 year old in high heals surprising the writer. It was perfect.

tom said...

The prompt was just to get you to take a look at what you do and shake it up, and it looks like you've done that :) I was almost expecting to see "gray wine of domesticity" but the high heels is better.

susan said...

Really enjoyed the third entry. Thanks for the read.